You know that feeling of ‘coming full circle’? When parts of your world that you thought were separate come together all of a sudden? That happened to me when I sat down to listen the recent interview between my respected EFT colleagues Craig Weiner and Suzanne Fageol with an attachment-oriented psychotherapist and author. The topic was “The Role of Shame in Recovering from Trauma”.
Even as a conventionally practicing talk therapist back in the day, I knew SHAME was the lynchpin to human suffering. Shame is the sense that there is something wrong with me. A belief that I am fundamentally flawed. That I’m not okay, not deserving of acceptance and love and that I have to find ways to hide myself in order to survive. And so, we lose our authentic, joyful selves and pretend to be who we think others will find acceptable.
In my first practice brochure in 1991, I included a quote from Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, author of ‘Love is Letting Go of Fear’ which said, “True healing has more to do with listening and unconditional love than trying to fix people. People are not broken.”
I was experiencing the pervasive impact of shame in my own life and I saw it in every one of my clients – but the interventions available at the time just couldn’t get to it and significantly change it. It was one of the things that drew me to EFT and Energy Psychology, the concept that everything was energy and the energy of shame was the lowest and slowest frequency of human emotion.
I continue to be grateful and awed by EFT’s ability to locate and release limiting pockets of shame and set people emotionally free.
One of the most influential books to me as a beginning, and healing, psychotherapist was called ‘Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves and Our Children’. It was written in 1989 by Connie Dawson and Jean Illsley Clarke. It was my introduction to developmental trauma and what’s come to be known as attachment theory.
The book made a priceless contribution to my healing AND my ability to raise my son in a healthier family system than I had experienced. At the back of the book the authors included ‘Affirmation Ovals’, 4 pages of affirmations that children need to hear at different stages of development. Well, I photocopied those pages and I laminated them and memorized them.
At night before going in to say goodnight to my son, I chose 3 ovals to speak to my child. We made songs and dances out of them, we coloured them, we made games out of them. Those ovals formed the basis of our relationship and continue to do so today even as we are creating our adult relationship together.
Want some sample affirmation ovals?
“I’m glad you are you.” (Birth to 6 months)
“You can explore and experiment and I will support and protect you.” (6 -18 months)
“You can learn to think for yourself and I will think for myself.” (18 months – 3 years)
“All of your feelings are okay with me.” (3 – 6 years)
“I love you even when we differ; I love growing with you.” (6-12 years)
“I look forward to knowing you as an adult.” (13-19 years)
“You can say your hellos and goodbyes to people, roles, dreams and decisions.” (adult)
Well, you’ve probably guessed that the person being interviewed in 2018 by Suzanne and Craig was Dr. Connie Dawson. I wanted to reach through the computer and hug her. There she was, my parenting and personal growth mentor, speaking about personal shame, family shame, cultural shame and global shame. Sharing her 7 shame-based rules that create such suffering in our lives and our world AND how EFT can play such an important role at each level of this ubiquitous shame hierarchy so that ultimately we can correct the systemic humiliation in our families and institutions and create a world of dignity and respect for all.
Dr. Dawson’s interview is available free of charge as an introduction to the Tapping Out Of Trauma webinar program of advanced EFT study. Prerequisite for that program is DISCOVER the POWER of EFT Level 1 and 2 accredited training. See the link below for how to access both the interview and the program.
Thanks for tapping,
Nancy